today is fenix's 3rd birthday, tomorrow is zacharys 17th birthday. Dec. 8th is one year after. Dec 12th is the day that shows up in my dreams. December 25th is his birthday, well him and Jesus. I should put Jesus first huh? i'm donating blood at 10:05. I hope I miss the physics quiz. I had a schedule written this weekend to start dosing myself, slowly, not all at once. My grandmother isn't the most thoughtful. She left a cup of about 40 tylenol in my bedroom along with a large bag of razors, like shaving equpiment. She expected me to give them back so i hid one in my room. A good sharp one. I've been self harm free for about 3 months. ever since they found the marks, i stopped. My psychiatrist told them to take all sharps from my room. That was prpbably good advice, but shes never been one to listen to doctors. One time I had a doctor tell me that my diet is affecting my mental health, I had another one say i'm doing this for attention. It is 9:56, I am going to leave the room in about 3 minutes, because I want to be on time. Last time I donated blood it took 2 hours, I hope this takes longer or maybe just an hour. I am shaking terribly and I feel nauseous. I have to go soon. Today is Fenix's birthday, hes turning 3. When I leave school, I am going to his birthday party. When I get home, I'm going to listen to music and then Ill think abotu stuff, what to do next, what there is left to say. It is 11:14, I gave blood and it was very dark, like brown. My hands are very cold, but overall I feel fine, maybe even better than I did before. It is 12:47 PM now. I couldn't go to lunch and I guess that was the motivation I needed. This is officially my suicide note. It is 12:48 PM now. I have a higher likelihood of bleeding out tonight because I gave blood. i have a high tolerance to pain killers, but my liver is already beaten up enough to where it cant take much more. It is 12:49. Fear, anger and sadness run my mind now. I am always afraid, of waking up in the morning and im also afraid of dying. I am angry at myself, for being the person I am, I am angry at everyone else for not seeing this. For letting this happen. Is this the bed I made? Even if its not, im lying in it. In 8th grade, I tried to commit before, I drank a few sips of bleach, hurt like a mother and didn't work. Theres a long vertical scar on my wrist from another failed attempt. And Ive tried to die through overdose over 10 times in the year 2021. It is 12:53. I don't have anyone to say goodbye to, no one cares about me enough and I dont care about anyone enough. Maybe when I'm dead people will pretend to care, theyll say I was a great light and inspired everyone with my dazzling smile. i also dont want to pull a Hannah Baker and list every reason, I don't want to blame anyone, but maybe I do. I hate this school, i hate these people. I hate the way I was treated and I wish i was strong enough to demand more. I wish things were different and I wish I didnt think I had to do this. It is 12:57. I sit on the floor of the middle school bathroom and a few tears leak from my eye, my left one to be exact. I hope I'm forgotten, I hope people forget how quiet i was, how stupid i was. I think the only person I want to send this to is Joshua. I cant handle writing about him right now. There comes a moment when you make the final decision. I stood in the LRC at 12:43 and I hand an internal conflict. If I stayed I would be alone, I would be giving up on someone caring about me. So I ran out, I followed Phoebe and Kate and I decided to give it another chance. I could talk to someone, I could be a little less alone. I ran and I thought, I'm finally choosing something else. And then I knocked on the window because didnt they say they cared about me, once upon a time. I am quite perspective, I noticed the way they looked at eachother, how long it took her to roll the window down. How they just didnt want to be around me. Nobody wants alina around. I dont either. It is 1:11 pm now. It is monday Dec. 6th 2021. My birthday was on Saturday. Today is Fenix's birthday, he is turning 3. Tomorrow is Zachary's birthday. I hope someone tells him I was thinking about him. I wonder what time my heart will stop, I wonder what time I slip off into that nothingness that I want so badly. It is 1:13 pm. As I walked back into the building, that was when I knew that my time here was over. I finally got the message. It's time to stop being stupid, to stop being weak and its finally time to be strong, its time i do what i want. and i want to die. This is just the first part I think. After Fenix's birthday party, Im going to go home and write the second part. Im sitting in the commons and I cant bring myself to think about joshua. 1:16. i hope wherever I go after that i get to be happy. 1:17. oh god i dont want to die. its not fair, its not fair that this is it. i need joshua oh god please. its 1:18. Theres a precal test tomorrow, will i be there for that. Theres a pep rally on friday, am i alive by then. my grandma bought me a lot of stuff for christmas, will i get to see it. all the comic books and action figures? no way home is coming out on the 17th, im seeing it on the 16th, i love peter parker. im going to make a bet. when kate and phoebe come in, theyre going to walk on by and into the spanish room. no words, no apologies. why would they? theres nothing to apologize for. There we go. its 1:22 pm and they walked right on by. ok so now we have a little more motivation, more reason to want to let all of this go. I want to go to sleep. I am so dead tired. My body aches and I have no want to do anything other than sit here. everytime i stary feeling like this i make myself look for reasons why and reasons why not. lets do one now! if someone i know asks me if im okay, like genuinley ok, ill tell them whats been going on, ill listen for advice and ill keep living. thats my new task. lets see if someone will ask us if were ok. no crying, no sad little looks or whimpers, just acting normal - well as normal as i can be. today is december 7th, 2021. it is 8:53 am. Today is Zacharys birthday. I havent forgotten. Will i get the chance to tell him, just one last time? i keep asking god for a sign i shouldnt do this. i dont know what to do at all. i really dont know. remember that time your psychiatrist asked you to write down people you could talk to when you were struggling? and you couldnt think of a single person? well i could think of a person, just one, just joshua. I have a precal test today. mrs swauger said if i dont do well on this im going to fail precal. i dont care that much, i dont want to be here anymore. I keep trying to make it the the 12th of december, thats when im going to get out of here, thats when im leaving. but im getting impatient, im tired of sitting here and waiting for things to get better. ive been waiting for 8 years. im going to make a hypothetical plan that might keep me alive for the next week or so. 1. i can shift tonight. (ive been trying for 6 months) 2. i can talk to joshua - tell him im struggling and that maybe just maybe he can talk to me outside of school. (i dont think this will work) 3. I can try to get hospitalized, go to the pavillion, get professionally medicated on hopefully on antipsychotics or get put in a straitjacket. (I dont want to be on this planet anymore, least of all stuck in a mental institution.) i dont think im gonna make it past tonight. i have too much free time, too much time to think and plot and look at that cup of exactly 29 tylenol sitting on my shelf. theres no point to slowly dose myself, doing it all at once is gonna do the trick. itll hurt so bad but then i wont have to feel this anymore. this mental pain that is 10x worse. to be honest the only thing keeping me here is him. maybe he'll talk to me again, maybe he'll look at me and see that im not ok. i hate myself. if i say anything its gonna look like im guilting him into talking to me. im not gonna say anything, im just gonna slip away, quickly. its noticeable at this point that im not doing well. i dont want to talk to anyone, i dont see the point, i dont care about what they want to say, i dont care about their new dogs or new relationships or what they saw on snap. i dont care. i want to go home, i want to be where i belong and thats not here. when he talked to me all those weeks ago, i dont think he really cared. i dont think he cared at all. its good that you know alina, gives you more reason to do it. we should try to talk to someone today, lets pretend that theres a chance we're going to live and that we are going to try. its impossible for me to go up to someone and just say "hey, i want to kill myself!"so lets just wait and wait and wait. i hate myself. today is December 8th, 2021. It is 9:59 am. One year ago, December 8th, 2020, I was broken up with. Its still the same day. It is 12:10 pm. my uncle gave me 10 dollars this morning for lunch, i have no one to eat with. thers too much noise in this room and its hurting my head. It is january 5th, 9:58 am. Ive chosen to quit choir this year, I have no want to keep doing it and im putting myself first, i cant be in the same room as him, i cant hear his voice or smell him. this school is the problem, i come in here and all the stability i built up is gone, all the calm i had over the break just leaves me. im still not able to talk about him, let alone think about it, but when im here and all i can see is him it feels like that night all over again. the little voice in my head brings up memories and shows me all the ways i am alone. I was doing a method a couple days ago and it told me to revisit some memories and all of them were bad, they were memories that had turned sour or were already sour. i talked to my counselor a couple days ago, she gave me a second diagnosis of ptsd. she told me not to get attached to anyone, because the same thing that happened with him would happen with jack. it seems like i cant win, i rold her about a singular person that i could talk to and suddenly i realize im back to my old habits. we talked a little bit about him, i told her how happy i was. she told me that he was my safety and its still so hard to talk about it. Only a few people understand and theyre paid to talk to me. my psychiatrist said that most of my trauma comes from joshua and not the sa. he noticed that i had the hardest time after the breakup and i felt like i was finally seen. like maybe i wasnt making it all up. maybe i have a chance. i havent been taking my medication regularly, i started it back up again since im not allowed to have them in my room. my grandma left me a razor to shave with, its sitting in my shower. i cleaned my room this yesterday. i brushed my teeth today. i shaved yesterday. i put on perfume today. i did my makeup today. i put on deoderant today. i showered yesterday. i showered and i feel just as unclean. i feel like something is missing, like my medications dosage needs to be increased, dr. kiani said that my treatment is a mixture of a lot of things. i need medication (ssris, mood stabilizers, surgery grade anxiety medication) and I need my counseling sessions, my psychiatry sessions, and i have to start therapy to target my trauma. my counselor told me that we can start targeting it as well, but ive noticed that everytime i see her theres a new thing to talk about and we cant every focus on the past issues. it still helps for me to be listened to. ive been eating more, not in a way i like. now that school started again maybe i can start a deficit. even though i barely care about the way i look anymore. i realized that a couple days after christmas. my grandma got me a lot of facemasks and hygiene stuff and i had no motivation to use it. i think before last night, i had gone about 1.5 months without showering and i probably brushed my teeth about twice. im not proud of it, not at all. i just cant find the feelings inside of me to care. i finished playing the last of us 2 over the break and i started watching the xmen movies, i prefer the ones set before 1960, because magneto and professor x or really good together, i sense a lot of romantic tension, its strange. last night i had a dream about finn wolfhard, callmecarson, zach franklin and we were all friends i think. even though me and fin had some chemistry. then there was a dream that was kind of scary, i ahd to escape something. i had a little house on the prairie dream as well, we all got malaria from watermelons and then a made a soup that cured me, the soup was pretty good. i want to lucid dream, but i have no motivation to start anything new. i have all the information but i just dont want to put it together. i dont want to do reality checks and set timers for methods, im already sleep deprived enough. i slept on the floor last night and was really comfortable, candi was there and i had a bunch of dreams. i was in the show community, i visited shane. i brought something to keep me calm today, besides the shield. i also put on a ton of essential oils for different ways to help. love, wisdom, calm, courage. i put calm and courage at my neck pulse points and the others on my wrist. i didnt have time to write anything yesterday, i literallly just found out wattpad is unblocked. thats crazy. i went out to lunch with a few guys yesterday and i was in fight or flight mode the whole time, i couldnt feel safe at all. i dont know what to do. it sucks that no matter what i do i cant feel safe here, i will never be safe here. this has become a diary instead of a note, i missed having a diary, its been some months since ive wrote in my better half. should i read through it again? sometimes i consider writing poetry but i know it will only be mediocre. i like to think im a good writer when i want to be. jan 19th 2022 there is a police investigation going on now about the sa i dont talk to much people i have new friends, i become what they want. what else is there to do? i am unclean and i will always be unclean. last night i wasnt myself, i was scary. i ran around my house looking for anything i could use to hurt myself. i imagine i looked like an addict while i was doing it, searching every crevice. i was very very close to asking my grandpa if he had any blades because i felt like i was burning from the inside out when i didnt cut. lets make a list! pros mean what im looking forward to in the next bits of my life and cons are the things that dont make me want to stay PROS: homecoming CONS: so much i dont want to do it anymore. im afraid for whats next. i have to get an interview and im so scared. i dont want to do any of this. i dont want to keep being here, i dont want to talk or breathe or see or hear. maybe in my third period i cant indulge a little bit. theres a lot of room on the human body. invisible spots, just for me. just for me. i hate this body im in, i hate who i am. its dirty.